sean decker

If I had to be a Civil War General

If I had to be a Civil War General, I think I would be W.T. Sherman - William Tecumseh that is.

Not only would I have a cool middle name like Tecumseh, but I would also have a lot more facial hair. Not only that, but I would be comfortable with the facial hair. (Right now I have one of those jobbers that not only ceases to connect and grow in any redeeming way, but it also really bugs me. I cannot seem to refrain from rubbing and fondling the tiny whiskers like I'm fourteen, and they're the first set of breasts I get the pleasure of touching. And then - to keep the sexual metaphor going - whenever there is significant growth of said facial hair, it just feels like I've got "crabs" on my face.)

Sherman had a military beard. Not like the real pretty C. Thomas Howell in "Gettysburg: The Movie" kind of beard, where he does not have so much a beard, as sideburns that forego the lower half of the face and go straight to the mustache connection. (You'll just have to watch the movie to know what the hell I am talking about).

Anyway, Sherman had the same beard as Clint Eastwood in the "Outlaw Josie Wales"-and every other western he did besides "Paint Your Wagon" and the "Unforgiven". It was a real military beard; the kind of beard that only a man who is forced to shave everyday grows. It doesn't have the same boundaries as a typical James Brolin-y, Soap-Opera-super-hunky kind of beard. Where the average growth for a beard is to the cheekbone, Sherman's spread well beyond the rigid borders, all the way to the southern realm of the eye sockets. It could not be confined to such limited facial acreage. Manifest Destiny was proudly and boastfully declared upon his "savage" follicles.

Another reason I am all about Sherman is because at the same time he was completely annihilating the South, he never deemed the South as the antithesis to The United States of America. He simply fought against its secession. As a matter of fact, from what I understand, the abhorrence of slavery was only one aspect of the conflict between the states. Many believe the Emancipation Proclamation was more of a military strategy than a call for racial equality. I wouldn't be surprised. The whole separation of the country officially started over something called the "Interstate Commerce Act". Hey, you don't like what I am saying. Look it up if you don't believe me. Maybe you'll teach me something. I am, after all, just a man who has had a few beers and doesn't have to work tomorrow. All I am saying is you can't trust WHITEY!

Wait, what the hell was I talking about? Oh Yeah. Sherman.

My actual point is that sometimes I absolutely hate the area of this country known as The South, a.k.a. The Dirty South, a.k.a. The Land of Dixie. I mean what is up with them Johnny Reb muthafuckas. They are always so angry. But not in that ranting and raving kind of way, like, y'know, northern intellectual assholes, rather in the vain of "I'm gonna' kick some ass". I don't know, man. They just confuse me so much. Country Music. Don't these people know that all of their money comes from Democrats. I mean do they even understand that their record labels are owned by liberals. I mean it's show business for chrissakes. Fuck Clint Black, Toby Keith, and Natalie Maines. Fuck the former two for writing some of the biggest pieces of shit pro-war songs I have ever heard. And yes, fuck Natalie Maines and the other two Dixie Chicks for that matter. You may say, Sean, "Why would hate the Dixie Chicks? They are just like you. They don't like George Bush either." Yeah, well I don't fucking tell people I hate George Bush and then apologize if they don't agree with me, or if I think they won't buy my album if I don't support his fucking administration. Did the Landslide bring you down, Natalie?

Whoa, I just went really buckwild there, I'm sorry (no I'm not).

Alrighty, well, like I was saying, Sherman had a beef the South and in turn pretty much destroyed what is now the very prosperous tobacco region of America. However, he didn't hate the South. That is where there is a great similarity between me and the W.T. I think about the South sometimes and I think man we should have just let that place go. For God's sake, we had to make laws that said "uh, you know how you folks don't allow blacks into your schools and restaurants and stuff. Well, you're not really allowed to do that anymore." And it took the heinous act of blowing up four children in a church in Birmingham for people to finally realize that those Klan guys may not be so nice after all. However, I will give them the smallest possible benefit of the doubt. It was a different time then. However, in this modern age of the new Mil-looney-um I have to say that the south has been pissin' me off something fierce. I would vote, campaign for, and fully endorse a bill that called for the de-unionization of the states of Texas (excluding Austin, I heard it was pretty cool there) and Florida from the United States of America. They have just been nothing but trouble ever since we took them away from Mexico and Spain. The Bush boys, stolen elections, death penalty; I used to love the idea of the cowboy until I saw what a real one was capable. No, fuck that, I won't destroy my own romantic notion of the cowboy on that guy. He's the drunkest guy in the Frat house, not the loneliest rustler on the prairie.

However, and also my point, the South is also a very romantic, mysterious place. I read a good bit of Walker Percy. He just makes me fall in love I with the South. Shelby Foote and his studies of the Civil War make you empathize with Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson. He shows them as men; brave warriors. It appears as if there are a million more species of plants in the south because everyone seems to know the names. Mississippi has a goddamn magnolia on there state quarter for crying out loud.

Would you know your state flower if you saw it?

I know why I am biased against the South. First I normally associate ignorance with the south. Anytime you want to sound dumb what do you do? Talk with a overexerted Alabam-er accent, y'all. Of course not wanting to be associate with dumb-ass rednecks* and crackers comes with the territory when you live in the middle upper class part of Wheeling, WV. We are only about 20 minutes north of the Mason-Dixon line. Shit, Wheeling is one of the most Northern Cities of the state that broke ties with Jeff Davis's Confederates. You could even say Wheeling belongs to the Greater-Greater Pittsburgh area. I wouldn't though; we ain't too crazy about that fuckin' place either. Jesus Christ, could the city planners of Pittsburgh have fucked that place up a little bit more, I have only wanted to kill myself every other time I have had to navigate my way through there (no Polish jokes, please).

Anyway, it's getting pretty late, and I need to get some rest. If you have read this and are offended or want to comment please direct all messages to pompadour33@hotmail.com. By the way, if you do not write me on this matter I will be very upset because not one person has written me about the songs I have up on the millennium papers. If this is what it takes to get a response from someone then fuck all y'all. Y'all a bunch of 'Bamas.

So, like Springer, I will have my final thoughts. Now I dig the South. But they are the prostitute to my pimp. Sometimes I just want to smack the HO. Deep down I love her, but she just makes me so mad sometimes. And America loves it's little Southy-Wouthy. How many Presidents have been Southern born and raised? A lot.
When comes down to it sometimes you get your Thomas Jeffersons and sometimes you get your Strom Thurmonds. It is just the way it goes. The North isn't much better. Bostonian intellectuals thinkin' they know everything. Or the West. Hollywood slime-balls. Hell with 'em all. That's what I think Sherman would say if he were here. He'd stroke his beautiful beard and shrug his shoulders.

Peace.

*The term Redneck was originally the term given to those men who fought against "Big Coal" and for a Labor Union in the 1919-20 West Virginia Mine Wars. They wore red scarves a sign of unity. So don't overuse the term, assholes. Say white-trash or crackers instead when chastising mountain people or trailer park dwellers. These terms have always had a negative connotation.