Someday after a funeral I'm going to take a long walk down a country road with my mom. She will be smiling and holding my arm. Her head will be resting on my shoulder. It will be near sundown. The sky will be turning red on the horizon. It will smell like I remember the country smelling when my nose was young.

She will be happy and we will remark to each other how nice it all worked out. We will agree that it all happened because it needed to. She will tell me she loves me and I will have all the answers. I will probably cry, but they won't be the tears of confusion, the only kind I have known. They will be new ones, new tears in remembrance of the right things that have been done.

***

Someday in a bar bathroom I will look into the mirror and make an important decision. It will save my life. I won't be drunk yet, but very close. Right on the edge where thoughts and dreams are busy negotiating how they will present themselves over the coming hours. This time I will remember. Sometimes I don't. I'll look at the cigarette in my hand and tell it goodbye. I'll fondly remember all the things we have done. How many times we depended on each other. I'll suck it good one last time and after that final breath of smoke dissipates around my head I will toss them in the urinal. I'll throw the whole pack in there and spit on it. I will be overcome by a profound sense of déjà vu.

I'll walk out of that bar without paying my tab. They'll never see me again. They might talk about me someday, but I won't care. I'll have taken all that I needed from them.

I will stop and take a piss in the grass. Not long after this I will breathe better and sleep better. I will really appreciate clean air. I won't be able to get there though without having been here. I think sometimes that to truly claim you know the best you must have known the worst. I hope so anyway.

***

Someday I will sit quietly in my car across the street and under a tree from a house that I own. In the window will be a woman walking around her room trying desperately to forget me. I'll be sitting there for the last time. I will be thinking about how great it was, and hard it is to quit for no good reason. I will wonder if I had become to proficient at sabotaging myself.

There will be a silky, semi-transparent curtain soaking up her shadow in the window. It will provide for a hazy, romantic glow. Her breasts will look magnificent and I will feel a strange pain because I long to smell them next to my face. To kiss her would be like heaven, a place I continually deny. I hope it's not really there.

I will see her face clearly in my mind. The way she smiled lovingly in my eyes when I treated her well. I will imagine her embrace and remember how exciting it was the first time. My penis will grow warm and heavy. I will be wondering where the hell I am going. I'll drive away slowly with the lights off to remain inconspicuous. The curtain from a neighboring house will flicker and I will think - shit. I will drive down the road to a filling station and get out into a cool fall rain. I will shut myself into the phone booth and look out through the glass into the dark night. I will dial her number and picture her walking quickly across the room, breathing too fast, and preying for me to be on the other end. I will see the look of disappointment on her tired face when there is only silence. A drop of water will run off my nose. I'll hang up the phone and watch as it splashes on the floor. It hurt's me too, I will say to the glass, but you would never understand.

***

Someday I'm going to say twice in one night, "So you're telling me that you've never done anything stupid?" Then I'll shake my head and say, "Why don't you just get the fuck out of here and leave us alone, freak?"

***

Someday it won't make me nervous to be me. Someday I will know piece of mind. I will be able to lie on the couch on a Sunday without questioning the previous weekend and/or dreading the coming week. I'll wake up without a dry mouth and tumbleweeds in my lungs. I'll have a little money in my pocket. I'll make sure that the lawn gets watered and stuff like that. When my wife comes home from work I'll ask her how the day was and really listen. I'll make sure that there is fresh milk in the refrigerator for the kids, always. I'll do my own taxes and think about equity. I'll vote.

In the garage all of my tools will be where they are supposed to be when I need them, one for every task. There will be a hose neatly rolled up on a wall mount next to a spout that doesn't leak. I will have a stash of nudie magazines that my son browses with his friends. I will keep them updated so they don't get bored. We will never really talk about it but there will be a mutual understanding. I'll make sure there's plenty of beer in the refrigerator when I go out of town, and although it will always be gone when I get back, I won't tell the old lady.

I'll make sure everyone gets Christmas cards on time. Inside they will have pictures of the family in front of our fireplace. We will be wearing sweaters and turtlenecks. They will have sayings like:

Merry Christmas.

May all your dreams come true this joyous Holiday Season.

Noel.

***

Someday I'll say, "Sure Doc, I did what you told me but it's just not getting any better." He'll look at me and say, "Jesus Bryan, have you told your family about all this. Maybe I should talk to…"

"That won't be necessary." I'll say, and go for a drink.

***

Someday I'll watch the 11:00 news every night before bed with my beautiful wife. She'll be reading though, and ignoring my snide remarks like always. We won't have had sex for weeks but who would at that stage in life. That part will be gone. I'll have seen it all and the memories alone will be enough.

In the mornings my coffee will already be made. I'll have a bagel of some variety then slip out the door to my office just a short distance away. My secretary will be young and beautiful. She will always be happy to see me because I will take very good care of her. We will kid about things from time to time but nothing sexual would ever happen. I'll be far to mature and wise to consider those types of doings. It will drive me nuts trying to be this way, the American way.

***

Someday I won't have to smoke pot so that I can get out of bed in the morning to take a piss, but I still will. Someday I won't have to run away from some girls that love me, to being in the presence of one's that don't in weirdo bars, but I'll do that too. Someday there won't be anybody to answer to but myself and that scares me. Someday a woman will really treat me right, but I'll chase her off by accident because I am confused. Someday I'll settle down a bit and quit being so restless. That's what they tell me but I'm not so sure it's a better alternative. Someday I won't feel like a foreigner every time I go outside, and can't even image what that will be like. Someday cars will drive themselves and I will buy one. Someday people may stop wearing blue jeans. It's not likely, but either way I won't.

Some people say they know where they are going and I still don't. Some people say we are born with original sin. I don't believe it. Some people find it easy to say I love you all the time. Not me. Some people really believe that nothing bad will ever happen to them. In my estimation they just haven't lived long enough yet. Some people believe that God is in the sky and the Devil is underground. Well wouldn't that be neat. I believe that they are one and the same and everywhere all the time. Some people think the whole world owes them something. I'm just waiting for the bill. Some people think that there is some merit to the urban legend that drinking beer and then liquor you'll never be sicker. I think enough of either in any combination will make you sick if your not careful.

***

Someday I will make a decision and it will be tantamount to moving a large piece of earth. It will be one of those that can only be made once, the kind that has a profound impact on all aspects of my life, and can't be taken back. Shortly afterwards, everyone will look at me and say, "Damn, I tell you what, given the circumstance a more sublime conclusion could not have been reached."

And I will say, "Thanks." But I'll be wishing I hadn't grown up so fast.

***

Someday, man, someday…